i'm writing this knowing no one will read it.
why do i have to do this to myself?
i'm done blaming them, this is me.
this is me and my problem.
i'm done living my life blaming my past for my fears and insecurities.
i'm gonna try this positive self talk thing.

it's not them, it doesnt always happen.
they're not all the same.

he could be different.
but i have to treat him like he is.

time is grow up and let go.

it's a start.

but i've come to the conclusion that i'm not much to lose.
because if i was, you would be scared to lose me.

i'm wondering if there's hope.

there's a fork in the road and i dont know which way to choose...

<3

thought i should update..

school is going ok.. so far.
the first round of tests are coming,
so we'll see how that goes.

xanga is dying...
it kinda makes me sad.
i feel like ive grown up on this place.
facebook is cool and everything,
but xanga will always have a special place in my heart.

i'm going to the mae concert on sunday!!!
i'm excited... can you tell?

that just about sums it up...
gravity let go of me for almost two months.
then from a friday to a wednesday it sent me crashing back down.
i hate reality.

i lost them both.
only one is alive.
one of them has been here since birth.
one taught me how to live.
one showed me death.
one i knew forever and was never close to.
one i trusted to easily.
i love one.
i loved them both.
i'm not sure about the other one.
i miss them both.
in different ways.

but with both i have the same question,
even though i think i know the answer.

i refuse to accept it was time.

i feel very separated from everyone else.
like when you look up at birds on a telephone wire
and see one kinda off to the side.
not alone, just...
separated.

waiting for someone to schooch over and join them.
i know what your thinking,
why dont you go join them.
well, i'm asking myself the same thing.
ill let you know when i get an answer.

the thought of homecoming scares me.

"will it ever get easier to live like this?"

<3 <3 <3